It’s hard to deny the status an Alfa Romeo holds among car fanatics.
It combines everything an auto love could, well, love: Italian design, lightweight build, insane engines, unparalleled handling, and can-breakdown-literally-any-second unreliability.
stop i’m having palpitations
It’s no surprise the third Top Gear Ten Commandment is:
Thou Shalt Own An Alfa Romeo
But it’s been 20 years since you could buy a new Alfa Romeo in the US. Clinton was President, and nobody had even heard of a young intern named Monica Lewinsky.
The last model was the laughably-crappy 164, which gave you the look, feel, and fury of being an Italian taxi driver.
may as well just come out and tell your family you’re a drug dealer
Sure, you can snap up a late-80s or early-90s Spider on the used market, but only if you have a fetish for deepthroating your mechanic.
seriously, the car can’t even be displayed without a slice of cardboard underneath for leaks
But never fear!
Alfa Romeo promised a return to the US in 2007.
2008 came around, and they offered the drop-dead-gorgeous Alfa 8C Competizone for sale — for over $200,000. For the price of a base Ferrari, a CL65, or a Continental GT, you could take part in Alfa’s triumphant return.
Hopefully you hurried too — only 500 of the 8C and 500 of the Spider were produced — worldwide.
SOMEONE GET THE PADDLES I’M GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST
Alfa has been back in the US for 6 years, but you’d have a better chance of seeing a Veyron than an Alfa roaming the streets. That’s not a return, it’s trying to hide on purpose.
Reported plans to bring the orgasmically-gorgeous Brera and stunning 159 to market never materialized.
Remember, this was 2008 — a year before FIAT started buying Chrysler, with no possible way to build a dealer network in the US.
*belts out Celine Dion ballads*
Since 2008, Alfa has slowly been rejiggering their whole product line and rewarding high-performing FIAT outlets with Alfa dealerships in the US.
It’s 2015, and finally–FINALLY–Alfa has brought the 4C to market, their lightweight, carbon-fiber-riddled mid-engined wunderkind.
For just $50,000* you could have this little beauty.
SO CUTE
Except not quite.
*Launch Edition models have sold with an up to $50,000 markup, marking one of the only times in recent history where you can pay DOUBLE for a new car.
my wallet is leaking tears
The 4C has been on sale a few months, and you can count the amount sold by the highest-performing Alfa outlets in the US on two hands. Hopefully you didn’t really want a Launch Edition 4C, because they’re gone.
Alfa plans to trickle out a stream of regular 4C models over the next 12-24 months, and then release the 4C Spider in eyedropper quantities.
unicorn
It’s been a decade since Alfa came out with the concept for the 8C, and they have clearly learned nothing.
You have a greater chance of getting hit by lightning during a jaunty rendition of “Take Me to Church” performed nude in a Calgary cornfield than you do of seeing an Alfa Romeo in the US.
But–but–Alfa isn’t giving up yet!
Per Alfa’s new product plans, you’ll be able to buy a new Alfa before you’re old enough to wear incontinence pants.
In fact, Alfa’s Mussolini-esque ambition has them churning out EIGHT new models in THREE years. That’s right, by 2018, you can expect a full Alfa product line.
An Alfa on every street!
An Alfa in every garage!
Every time you call Uber — a bespectacled hipster pulls up in an Alfa!
SI SI SI SI SI SI SI
If you can’t wait for that glorious future, have a large checkbook, and you’re lucky, you can get an Alfa 4C by the end of 2016.
But you’ll have to because you don’t and you’re not, so here’s the Alfas that normal people can walk into a dealership and buy starting Spring 2017:
GIULIA – Q1 2017
The Giulia is Alfa’s just-debuted midsize sedan, and it’s literally sex. on. wheels.
i can’t
feel
my legs
Alfa Romeo is like the madam at the brothel. They trot out their most beautiful specimens first, hoping to up the amount you pay. They did it with the 8C, the 4C, and now they’re doing it with the Giulia.
The debut version is the Giulia Quadrifoglio Verde, which roughly means “Green Four-Leaf Clover” in Italian. This is Alfa’s all-out, balls-to-the-wall performance version. It’s their BMW M CSL, their Mercedes AMG S.
i just can’t right now
The specs are outrageous. The car has a 510hp!!!!! V6 with cylinder deactivation and a carbon-fiber-festooned body. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s more powerful than a C63 AMG S or BMW M3 — this car’s direct competitors.
This is the hottest flavor of the Giulia (more on this car in a future post) and it will have a more normal version for popular consumption.
PROJECT 1259 – MID 2017
On the Giulia’s heels is a small Alfa Romeo crossover. It’s a shot across the bow at the Porsche Macan and the new Lexus NX (likely in F-guise). Look for curvaceous Italian sculpting and high performance numbers for this segment’s model.
FULL-SIZE SPORTS SEDAN – LATE 2017
The New Alfa wants to directly take on BMW and Lexus and hit them where it hurts — the full-size sports sedan category.
In case you haven’t noticed, BMW has tacked “M” onto almost every model, yet has stubbornly refused to make an M-version of the 7-series.
Sure, you can get an Alpina B7, but good luck finding one at your local dealership. The S63 AMG reigns supreme in this category for a reason.
The Lexus LS is the ne plus ultra of quiet country club cruisers, and no car exemplifies that more than the LS600hL. However, Lexus is way behind the times on making their cars remotely sporty. The closest they come is adding an F-Sport appearance package to the LS460, which is like gluing a 911’s whaletail to an actual whale.
well, at least the grille is more horrid in F-Sport trim
In case you haven’t noticed, the 2013 Maserati Quattroporte looks like it ate the 2012 Quattroporte. The lithe, sporty sedan has become a full-on limo. The Alfa full-size sports sedan will fill the niche that Maserati abandoned, with a truly-sporty full-size sedan.
198 inches
207 inches: my, how you’ve grown
FULL-SIZE CROSSOVER – EARLY 2018
You thought Maserati was going to keep the Levante’s platform all to themselves?
Alfa is prepared to come out with a full-sized crossover for 2018, and this isn’t your typical mom car.
Look for this to be the true X5 and Cayenne competitor while the Levante punches at Mercedes GLE weight.
SPORTS GT – MID 2018
Once 4C production stops, it creates an enormous hole in Alfa’s line for a sporty 2-door car.
Enter the Alfa 6C, a Maserati Alfieri-based (GranTurismo replacement) 2-door GT.
This car will slot between the exclusive 8C and superlightweight 4C as an everyday Alfa sports car. This will hit at another empty slot in the BMW and Lexus lineups — a sporty grown-up 2-door GT.
SPORTS SEDAN/HATCH – 2018
To round out the 8-product lineup, Alfa is coming out with a sports sedan and hatchback sometime in 2018. The current MiTo and Giulietta will be just a memory, and Alfa will replace them with a sports-focused RWD alternative to round out their full lineup.
OPTIONS
Speaking of RWD, Alfa is working on an AWD system based on Maserati’s Q4 system, set to debut on the Giulia towards the end of 2017 and available as an option on future models.
Concerned about fuel economy? Alfa is working on a diesel alternative as well, and releasing a couple new 4-cylinder engines as well as a 6-cylinder engine which tops out at 510hp!!!!! (I still can’t get over it) in the Giulia QV. Never say never to a V8, but it’s just not in the cards for Alfa at this time.
THE BRIGHT FUTURE
While Maserati is taking on Mercedes and Tesla, Alfa Romeo is aiming directly towards BMW and Lexus (and Audi to a lesser extent). They want to be the sporty foil to Maserati’s more luxury-focused feel.
sports
luxury
Their two biggest challenges will be reliability and availability.
Alfa skidded out of the US market two decades ago on a leaky oil slick. Their reputation will take some time to repair among those who know what an Alfa is, and will have to be built right out of the gate among those who are just learning about Alfa for the first time.
The 8C and 4C are proof positive that Alfa Romeo can make a solid car, but make it as available as type-Rh blood. If Alfa wants to play ball, they have to get products to market and make them steadily available.
Part of the reason why people buy BMWs and Lexuses is because you can walk into a dealer and buy them off the lot. They’re the ultimate choice of the person who wants a nice car and wants it today. Alfa can retain a hint of exclusivity while still being available — Maserati is doing a great job at just that with the Ghibli.
In the long run, Alfa has more of an uphill climb. They’re shooting at an incredibly competitive segment with a historical name packed with both endless desire and break-off-in-your-hand reliability.
But with the debut of the Giulia QV, Alfa is loaded for bear.